Relationship & Couples Therapy | Illuminate Counselling

Counselling can help couples to understand some of the dynamics going on in your relationship, as well as provide the skills needed to make changes and increase your effectiveness as a team.

There are many issues that may have led you here, including communication, sex & intimacy, division of labour, finances, infidelity, or even day-to-day personality differences. There are also certain times in life that can be especially difficult for couples, including deciding to commit or get married, the process of trying to get pregnant, or becoming parents for the first time.

There's a lot to communication: the words we say, how we say it, the tone, the timing, and body language. Sometimes we can get caught in negative communication patterns like defensiveness, criticism, shutting down entirely, and saying things we don't mean. So why do we do these things?

Maybe you never learned what 'fair fighting' looks like because what was modeled for you was either 'everything is fine' (i.e. no conflict) or explosive conflict where issues could not be discussed in a reasonable way. Or maybe you know what effective communication looks like, but you've forgotten how, or you are caught up in a dynamic where your partner triggers you, making it hard to stay grounded.

How couples counselling can help:

Whatever your background or reasoning, if you are having a hard time communicating with your partner, arguing frequently, or generally feeling misunderstood, counselling can be a great way to hone in on your communication skills and gain self-awareness about what is going on for you.

Life asks a lot of couples, especially for those who are balancing work, family, and other personal responsibilities. Day to day issues such as meal prep, laundry, cleaning, childcare, can all become significant sources of stress and easily lead to a culture of score-keeping, feeling underappreciated, or overly criticized.

How couples counselling can help:

Counselling around these issues can help move couples from this place of keeping score to feeling like responsibilities are more fairly distributed and all contributions are valued. Through this process, we explore expectations, the meaning behind certain tasks, as well as finding a balance between divide & conquer and cooperation.

Introverted & extroverted. Tidy & messy. Talkative & reserved. The emotional one & the logical one. The saver & the spender. The planner & the spontaneous one.

These examples are just a few of the very common personality differences between partners. Why do they show up so often? Because we tend to be attracted to and pair up with someone who has the qualities that we lack - and therefore admire. But over time, these differences can become significant sources of conflict and can even make you question your compatibility. You might be left feeling frustrated during everyday interactions and decision-making. These personality differences can grate on you over time, and can lead to resentment.

How couples counselling can help:

Through counselling, you can learn to understand them as what are called perpetual problems - meaning those problems that will never go away! You can learn to respect them and explore ways to create more satisfaction in your relationship, despite the differences. You may even begin to see your differences as strengths, creating more teamwork and connection.

Maybe you have experienced a sudden breach of your trust, such as disclosure of an affair, learning about your partner's debt, or a family conflict. Or perhaps, for you, it's been a slow deterioration over time - reoccurring arguments, hurtful patterns within the relationship, or you've just neglected to put time into the relationship. Regardless of what has led you to feel disconnection, distrust or resentment, know that these are very common experiences within relationships and marriage.

How couples counselling can help:

Through counselling, you and your partner can work to understand how you have come to this place, and what needs to change in order to reconnect or rebuild. For those who are deep into resentment and considering ending the relationship entirely, counselling can help you to clarify the right path for you.