Within the field of couples therapy, there are many different theories and ways of describing dysfunctional relationship patterns. Many experts have added to our understanding of relationships; for example, John Gottman talks about The Four Horsemen, Sue Johnson talks about the role of attachment, while Esther Perel describes fighting styles. In this article, we’ll be taking notes from Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) who describes how couples often default to Losing Strategies during conflict. RLT is a refreshing approach to help couples gain insight, accountability, and ultimately change their relationship patterns. Read on to learn more.
Losing Strategies in Relational Life Therapy
According to Terry Real, the founder of RLT and author of several books (including US and The New Rules of Marriage), these 5 approaches represent the most common destructive responses that individuals participate in during conflict. Most people will gravitate towards one or two. Usually they are rooted in childhood adaptations to family, environment, or circumstance. As it turns out, what worked well to protect you as a child, often becomes maladaptive in the world of adult relationships and creating intimacy. Intimacy requires vulnerability, ownership, compromise, and empathy.
When we are stuck in self-protection we default to the Losing Strategies. Therefore, if your goal is to create more closeness and functionality in your relationship, it is so important to understand the habitual responses that are in getting in the way. As you read, give some thought to which one sounds most familiar.
Losing Strategy #1: Being Right
To quote Terry Real, this is “applying the scientific method to your relationship”. In other words, your stance is to continually argue your case. As a result, your look for evidence to demonstrate your rightness, can get stuck on minor details, and point fingers. In this Losing Strategy, you will continue to pursue the argument until you feel satisfied in the conclusion of you being right and therefore your partner being wrong. Even more damaging than being right is what Terry Real refers to as Self-righteous indignation, which sounds like, “I’m right, and you are despicable”, i.e. shaming your partner from a place of perceived superior.
“Objective reality has no place in personal relationships.” – Terry Real
Losing Strategy #2: Controlling Your Partner
Sounds like: “I will be happy once you do ___”. Control can either be overt (direct commands) or covert (indirect manipulation, passive-aggression, etc.). In either case, attempts to control the other person is in direct conflict with intimacy. True connection is voluntary, not demanded.
Losing Strategy #3: Unbridled Self-Expression
Sounds like: a long list of complaints, including resentments from the past and/or current issues. It can also be specific or general, making it very difficult for a partner to respond effectively. Since the target keeps changing, a partner is put in a defensive position. They will likely keep trying to do damage control (or engaging in their own version of a Losing Strategy), and so instead of getting closer to the type of relationship you are seeking, you get further apart and cause a lot of hurt along the way. This is similar to what Esther Perel refers to as “Kitchen Sinking”.
Losing Strategy #4: Retaliation
Sounds like: “you hurt me, I hurt you”. This is also known as offending from the victim position. Not surprisingly, retaliation never increases empathy or connection. It only serves as a temporary protection of the ego or wounded child part of you.
Losing Strategy #5: Withdrawal
Sounds like: “this conversation is over.” Withdrawal in this case is different that taking a time-out because you are feeling dysregulated or triggered, and agreeing that now is not the best time to try to work through the issue. This type of harmful withdrawal is similar to the Gottman concept of Stonewalling, which is a huge block to intimacy. Often people will land on withdrawal as a final response if their initial strategy did not get them what they wanted.
“Just because you are triggered, doesn’t mean you aren’t still responsible for what you choose to do” – Terry Real
Do any of these patterns sound familiar? You’re not alone. We all have a tendency to move into self-protection and out of intimacy. This is where Relational Life Therapy (RLT) can come in, to help couples better understand and transform their relationship. Many of our counsellors are trained in this method and can help you move into more connection and intimacy with your partner, breaking old patterns along the way. We have a team of counsellors to choose from, or feel free to reach out to our intake clinician who can help you to find the right fit.
