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Taking a lil break, hope you have a great July 😎☀️✌️⁠
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#practicingwhatwepreach

Did you know you CAN alter an insecure attachment

Did you know you CAN alter an insecure attachment style towards being more secure? 💗⁠
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The good news is...you are NOT stuck with a challenging attachment style that's getting in the way of your self-worth and ability to connect with others.⁠
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Yes, it does take work to shift this, however it's so worth putting in the effort. We're social beings and the ability to connect with others, feel seen, & feel safe, are all such beautiful parts of living as a human being. ⁠
⁠
Don't know where to start? 🤷‍♀️⁠
Here are a few steps to get you going...⁠
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1️⃣ IDENTIFY what your attachment style is. There are a few reputable online quizzes, we like the Diane Poole Heller quiz - https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/⁠
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2️⃣ SELF-ESTEEM is usually a challenge with an insecure attachment style. There are a lot of resources online, books, & podcasts to help boost self-esteem, or talk to your therapist.⁠
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3️⃣ REGULATE your nervous system. Insecure attachment styles often arise from an inability to learn to co-regulate with another being. Learning self-regulation is key! Again, lots of free resources online or talk to your therapist.⁠
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4️⃣ THERAPY is key in helping shift your attachment style. You can get some preliminary work started on your own, and when it's available to you, connect with a therapist who knows Attachment Theory to get that deeper work done 😊⁠
⁠
You got this! 🙌⁠ ⁠

PS - if you want to jumpstart your wellness journey and not ready (or able) to connect with a therapist, try the LIFTED LIFE WORKBOOK ➡️super accessible mental health support designed by Illuminate’s founders, Ruth & Alexandra.
🔗 Link in bio

FEARFUL-AVOIDANT (FA) attachment style is marked b

FEARFUL-AVOIDANT (FA) attachment style is marked by craving affection & validation but also wanting to avoid it at all costs. 🚥 It's also referred to as Disorganized attachment.⁠
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Someone with a FA style may be reluctant & hesitant to develop a close romantic relationship yet they have a deep need to feel loved by other people.⁠
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If you have a FA attachment style, you’ve likely never learned how to self-soothe your emotions, so both relationships and the world around you can feel frightening and unsafe. ⁠
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If you experienced abuse as a child and have a FA style, you may try to replicate the same abusive patterns of behavior as an adult due to this being your understanding of what relationships look like.⁠
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This attachment style is the least common of the 4 styles. It's also the least studied and therefore the least understood of all the attachment styles. ⁠

AVOIDANT attachment is marked by a fear of intimac

AVOIDANT attachment is marked by a fear of intimacy. 🛑 This style is also called Avoidant-Dismissive.⁠
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According to Attachment Theory, an avoidant attachment style can stem from a caregiver who was unavailable or rejecting during your infancy. Since your needs weren't regularly or predictably met by your caregiver, you were forced to distance yourself emotionally and try to self-soothe. ⁠
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This can potentially lead to an avoidance of intimacy & craving independence in later life 👉 even when that independence and lack of intimacy can cause its own distress, the drive to self-protect is very strong!⁠
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While someone with an AVOIDANT attachment style may think they don’t need close relationships or intimacy, the truth is we all do. Humans are hardwired for connection and deep down, those with an avoidant attachment style still want a close meaningful relationship.⁠
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Approximately 25% of people have AVOIDANT attachment styles (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).⁠

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT is marked by a deep fear of aba

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT is marked by a deep fear of abandonment.⁠ 💔⁠
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According to Attachment Theory, your primary caregiver may have been inconsistent in their parenting style, sometimes engaged & responsive to your needs as an infant, other times unavailable or distracted.⁠
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This inconsistency may have left you feeling anxious and uncertain about whether your needs in this “first” relationship would be met, and thus provide a model for your behavior in later relationships.⁠
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☝️It's important to note that caregivers will be inconsistent at times, depending on what's going on for them in life. So when talking about an ANXIOUS attachment forming, the caregiver is being CONSISTENTLY inconsistent, not just every now and then. ⁠
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Approximately 19% of adults have anxious attachment (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). ⁠

Any of this sound familiar to you?⁠ ⁠ A SECURE

Any of this sound familiar to you?⁠
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A SECURE attachment is marked by the ability to form secure, loving relationships. 💞⁠
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🤱🏽With a secure attachment in adult relationships, it's likely your caregivers were able to engage with you as an infant & manage your stress, as well as their own stress. ⁠
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This CO-REGULATION & ATTUNEMENT enabled your developing nervous system as an infant to become securely attached to your caregiver. According to Attachment Theory, you carry this foundation with you into your adult relationships.⁠
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A famous attachment study done in 1987 found 56% of adults to have secure attachment styles (Hazan & Shaver). Considering how complex childhood and parenting is, this is a pretty good number!!⁠

What do you think your attachment style is?⁠ ⁠

What do you think your attachment style is?⁠
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🖥️ There are many attachment quizzes you can take to get these numbers, some more reputable than others. We like Diane Poole Heller's online test 👉https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/⁠
⁠ @hlthyattachment

There are 4 main types: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, Fearful-Avoidant. We’ll go through each of these in more detail over the next week!
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Attachment styles show up as a percentage, for example, 50% Secure, 32% Anxious, 15% Avoidant, 3% Fearful-Avoidant.⁠
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👥 Your attachment style will differ depending on the relationship, so you can take the same quiz and get different results depending on the relationship you're thinking about. ⁠
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Also, we haven't come across anyone in our work & personal lives who present as 100% Securely attached. Childhood, adolescence, and adulthood are just too complex to never experience an attachment disruption. So please don't feel worried or ashamed about your attachment percentages. Variety in attachment % is normal!⁠
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It's also important to note that while caregivers get most of the attention when it comes to Attachment Theory, there are other reasons why a child may develop an insecure attachment - trauma, abuse, and relationship hurts outside of a caregiver (friendships, romantic relationships, mentors, coaches, etc.). ⁠
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Do you have favourite attachment resources or accounts?⁠
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Let us know in the coments below 👇⁠

If you have close relationships in your life, then

If you have close relationships in your life, then attachment theory applies to you 🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏻‍♂️⁠
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👨‍👦 AS A CAREGIVER/PARENT:⁠
- your role for your child is to be a secure base for them so they can go out and explore the world, and know there's a safe base for them to come back to. ⁠
- when a child has a secure base in their life, it sets them up to have an improved sense of safety, ability to better regulate stress, and be more adaptable & resilient overall. ⁠
(of course there are other childhood factors outside of your control that impact these, however a secure base gives them a good foundation when adversity comes)⁠
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☀️ EXAMPLE:⁠
Think of when your child first starts to explore their environment, they move towards something interesting/novel and then look back to make sure you're still there. You are the safe base they know they can come back to if anything hurts/scares them. ⁠
- this child creates a working model for relationships 👉 "others will be there for me". ⁠
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🧔🏻 AS AN ADULT:⁠
- our childhood attachment patterns can determine how we bond with others when they're around us, AND when they're not near (think separation anxiety, for example).⁠
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☀️ EXAMPLE:⁠
That child who's grown into an adult with a working model of "others will be there for me", seeks out relationships that are consistent with this expectation, and this becomes a filter through which they perceive others. ⁠
- If they come across a friend or partner who isn't reliable or there for them (according to their definition), then they may determine this an "unfit" relationship, maybe ending it or trying to work on it. ⁠
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THE GOOD NEWS IS...⁠ 🎉
If you have insecure attachment patterns developed from childhood, they CAN be altered in adulthood. ⁠
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1️⃣ First you need to become aware of what your attachment pattern is & understand how it's getting in the way of your relationships.⁠
2️⃣ Connect with a therapist who understands & uses attachment theory.⁠
3️⃣ Through diligent work and patience with yourself, you can start to see changes in how you show up in your relationships!⁠
⁠
💡 Stay tuned to learn what the 4 attachment styles are!⁠

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